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Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to

"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

Bedford

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here – we go by results," says Saint Peter.
"When you preached – people slept.
When he flew, people prayed."

London

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A blonde woman was disappointed after buying a bathtub.

She complained that the thing emptied automatically after filling up with water.

The shopkeeper said everything was fine and she just needed to put the plug in.

To this, the blonde got excited and said ‘I didn’t know the tub was electrical’.

Bedford

Confucius did NOT say…

Man with no garden often looks forlorn!
Bird with no beak was born to succeed!
Man, who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY…

“ A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

Essex UK
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What’s the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?

People feel the need to take their shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
Wakefield, West Yorks.

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How come oysters never donate to charity?

Because they are shellfish.

Bedford

NEW STATISTICS FRESH OFF THE PRESS.

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING FACT.

PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN THE LAST 5 YRS

25% of women in this country are on
medication for mental illness

That’s really scary………

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all…!

Essex UK

You don’t have to be clever to be a sportsman:
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

Essex UK

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What’s the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?

People feel the need to take their shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

Bedford

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Did ya hear about the drugstore being robbed?

Somebody stole 100 bottles of Viagra.

The suspect is believed to be a hardened criminal!

Bedford
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