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This thread has been closed as jokes are now coming round for the 2nd time and as a result viewing numbers have dropped….apologies to all the posters of the jokes and to all those that regularly have enjoyed them…….

Alan & David & in the absence of Steve
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Bedford

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How’s the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years."

Woods says: "But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re
blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What’s your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I’m a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We’ve got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

Bedford

CONFESSIONAL BOX

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully
equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap,
cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic
display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time
since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is
much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,
"Get out, you idiot. You are on my side!".

Albox, Costa Almeria, Spain

Marital Misunderstanding :

How men and women record things in their diaries…

Wife’s Diary :

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.We had made
plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping
with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the
fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t
say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled
slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behaviour. I
don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just
sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem
distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that
he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary :

A two-foot putt… who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

Albox, Costa Almeria, Spain

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The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature.

The new theory is that men don’t mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

Bedford

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger"…
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. "What is your FIRST request?’

The Lone Ranger responds, "I’d like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger. who whispers
in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes
off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time
with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed
a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I’d like to speak to my horse…alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!

FOR…THE…LAST…TIME…

BRING POSSE"!!!

Albox, Costa Almeria, Spain

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I’m going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I’m too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Bedford

Thanks, David. Yes – apart from enjoying spending time with our friends, we were glad to get back to some decent weather (although they did say it ‘was really good for this time of year’).

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how’s the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That’s great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." "That’s Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one," said the golfer, "Every time I get an erection I also get a headache."
Albox, Costa Almeria, Spain

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Welcome back Gill, I trust your time in the UK was as you expected…
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A few years ago in December we were delivering holiday goodies to some neighbours during a blizzard.

When we arrived at the home of two sisters well into their nineties, we were surprised to see them pulling their car out of the garage.

We asked where they were going in such a storm and they seriously responded, "We’re going to visit the elderly."

Bedford

I’m back, so your daily joke will continue until my next sojourn.

Legal Or Logical???

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty
old professor, who is renowned for his razor sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor,
would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the
correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can’t give me the
correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and
neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer.
Finally he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark into an "A" as
agreed and the student goes away very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon,
but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest
students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer:
"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor
legal? "

To the professor’s surprise, and embarrassment, all the students immediately
raise their hands.

"All right", says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.

"It’s quite easy, sir", says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and
married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife
has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife’s lover
failed his exam, but you’ve just given him an "A", which is neither legal nor
logical."

Albox, Costa Almeria, Spain
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